In Beijing, I met a Shandong man with a fraught destiny, whose story touched me deeply. On Gongti West Road, he gathered with close friends and his loved one, enjoying a tranquil Beijing night. Passing through the SOHO in Sanlitun, they sipped beer and ate burgers while listening to friend H share his touching past. His stories were so real and delicate, they felt like a screenplay waiting to be sold.
Firstly, H is the partner of a good friend of mine, and they have been together for two years. As a free-spirited Shandong man, he shared his stories with us. He said that in Shandong, children often break their scalps because they have to kowtow in their ancestors’ rooms and during New Year’s. Speaking of Shandong, a memory suddenly surfaced: a sturdy athlete roommate getting married in Weifang, tied only in red underwear to a utility pole, grasping tightly to avoid being pulled down by gravity while enduring the eggs and vegetable leaves thrown by people around. It was a traditional test for the groom.
Secondly, as a child, H rarely joined the adults’ dining table. Women and children had their own small tables. They could eat and leave, not having to drink and play finger games for long like adults. H joked that there were three unfilial acts in Shandong: being gay, not getting married, and not taking civil servant exams. As a gay editor and director in a Beijing opera troupe who neither married nor pursued civil service, H exemplified the ultimate “unfilial” archetype. Yet, his story does not end there.
Even more tragic is H’s childhood experience. His birth mother was murdered by his biological father upon discovering she had an illegitimate child. The father slowly poisoned his wife, during the entire period of H’s breastfeeding post-birth. Initially, the police were set to acquit, but forensic reports later revealed the presence of poison, proving malicious intent, leading to the father’s death sentence, later commuted to 25 years imprisonment. The toxic influence of patriarchy was starkly evident here.
Finally, when H was just over a year old, his father’s sister (his aunt) became his foster mother. She told her husband that the child was her brother’s and she was willing to take responsibility without his agreement. But under the influence of Shandong’s patriarchy, the foster father accepted this fate and co-raised H. Due to hints from relatives, H always knew he was adopted, which gave him a great sense of insecurity. An adopted child, knowing his own status, often exhibits a stronger involution mentality than biological children, as he must compete to survive.
Essentially, service is an expression of emotional value, ultimately about how to express care and compliance. Children in adoptive family environments may overcompensate with earnestness and good behavior in efforts to adapt and survive.
Comments indicate that in adoptive situations, adopted children feel the need to ensure care and love from their adoptive parents through their behavior. Their expressiveness, along with adoptive parents’ intentional actions to maintain fairness, can sometimes result in reverse discrimination. This not only affects the adopted children but also deeply harms the psychological health of biological children.
There is a story of Mr. H that reflects such an experience. His relatives cut off his contact with his biological father during and after his father’s imprisonment. This led to a severance of his relationship with his father, with no memories of his mother, nor retained memories of his father. The memories of his childhood consist only of the times spent with his foster parents.
During his growth, school bullying was also a hardship he had to face. Due to his soft accent, H was bullied by classmates in a Shandong school. This experience made him contemplate suicide, and once he tried to jump from an overpass. Fortunately, he landed on soft mud, and the accident resulted in his survival. After that unsuccessful suicide attempt, H’s outlook on life changed. He had a dream where he saw rainbows in the sky and angels appeared, and afterward, he found that life was filled with more hope and positive changes.
When H shared these experiences, the listeners were moved to tears by his story. However, H lightly said that his experiences were nothing compared with those of his peers struggling in the Beijing opera community, where some faced even more severe challenges.
H stated that it is quite unlikely that he will return to Shandong, the place he has complex feelings about, even though such a decision seems to diminish the reputation of his hometown.
Subsequently, H shared his daily routine, indicating that he shares ten posts daily on his WeChat Moments about travel, case analysis, traffic growth, and entrepreneurial resources and invites people to follow his personal WeChat account to exchange and share personal experiences.
